I’m here, at work
once again. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and should be tending to my mile
high, slowly dwindling filing pile, but my heart is once again heavy and I need
release. (Also, its 100 degrees outside and our A/C unit in my part of the
office is down).
Since I’ve been
working on my slowing dwindling pile of filing, I’ve been listening to one of
the local church services that I receive a copy of each week. I was a bit
behind on listening so some were a couple months old.
In the one I
listened to today there was a statement that spoke to me. My original blog was
“Here I am Lord Send Me” and today’s little sermon he spoke about how we as
Christians can stand up and say “here I am Lord” and be expecting and be
blessed or we can say “don’t bother me, I don’t have time for this or that”.
It was the last
part that struck me hard! In fact I had to listen to it twice.
I was screaming
back a few months ago “I don’t have time for this” and “the timing is really
bad”. When in all actuality I should have been screaming “Lord, thank YOU for
this blessing of life!”
How ungrateful I
was (and on some really hard days still am).
Last night I
battled the mommy battle, and felt myself going down. I am sure we have all
battled that battle…right? (if not please just nod).
The one where the
dishes are nearly falling out of the sink, the washer is making an odd noise
and there are 3 loads left to wash, and 4 to fold and put away. Never mind the
house looking like a combo of scattered papers, matchbox cars, and one lonely
looking baby doll. Where when you begin to try to accomplish one thing another
mess is made and you want to fall to your knees and just give in, but someone
sends you a text and says “might stop by in a bit” and all you can do is think
“do I look like I’m crying and what is that smell?”
Ever have one of
those days?
I know that I
often, as all mama’s do, feel like a failure. But at the end of the day the
kids still want to climb into bed with me and snuggle and I feel like I have
survived (by the skin on my teeth) another day.
When I’m having
these moments I know that I’m not the “bright smiling, giving out compliments
and blessings and shouting prayers for all my friends and family who
desperately need it” person I should be. I’m the ungrateful, blubbering mess of
a mama who is saying “how am I going to do this with a newborn” person?
So Lord, this part
of my journey has been a challenge to say the least and even though I have
these rough days, I am blessed with this life inside of me, I am blessed
tremendously. With each kick, with each nudge, with each turn of her little
body I am blessed. How could I have known how desperately I would need this
little baby girl still growing inside of me?
Whatever her
purpose is for YOUR Kingdom I am blessed!
Thank you again
Sweet Father for choosing me to take this journey!
Me.
