Tuesday, July 31, 2012

July 25

I’m here, at work once again. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and should be tending to my mile high, slowly dwindling filing pile, but my heart is once again heavy and I need release. (Also, its 100 degrees outside and our A/C unit in my part of the office is down).

Since I’ve been working on my slowing dwindling pile of filing, I’ve been listening to one of the local church services that I receive a copy of each week. I was a bit behind on listening so some were a couple months old.

In the one I listened to today there was a statement that spoke to me. My original blog was “Here I am Lord Send Me” and today’s little sermon he spoke about how we as Christians can stand up and say “here I am Lord” and be expecting and be blessed or we can say “don’t bother me, I don’t have time for this or that”.

It was the last part that struck me hard! In fact I had to listen to it twice.
I was screaming back a few months ago “I don’t have time for this” and “the timing is really bad”. When in all actuality I should have been screaming “Lord, thank YOU for this blessing of life!”

How ungrateful I was (and on some really hard days still am).

Last night I battled the mommy battle, and felt myself going down. I am sure we have all battled that battle…right? (if not please just nod).

The one where the dishes are nearly falling out of the sink, the washer is making an odd noise and there are 3 loads left to wash, and 4 to fold and put away. Never mind the house looking like a combo of scattered papers, matchbox cars, and one lonely looking baby doll. Where when you begin to try to accomplish one thing another mess is made and you want to fall to your knees and just give in, but someone sends you a text and says “might stop by in a bit” and all you can do is think “do I look like I’m crying and what is that smell?”

Ever have one of those days?

I know that I often, as all mama’s do, feel like a failure. But at the end of the day the kids still want to climb into bed with me and snuggle and I feel like I have survived (by the skin on my teeth) another day.

When I’m having these moments I know that I’m not the “bright smiling, giving out compliments and blessings and shouting prayers for all my friends and family who desperately need it” person I should be. I’m the ungrateful, blubbering mess of a mama who is saying “how am I going to do this with a newborn” person?

So Lord, this part of my journey has been a challenge to say the least and even though I have these rough days, I am blessed with this life inside of me, I am blessed tremendously. With each kick, with each nudge, with each turn of her little body I am blessed. How could I have known how desperately I would need this little baby girl still growing inside of me?

Whatever her purpose is for YOUR Kingdom I am blessed!

Thank you again Sweet Father for choosing me to take this journey!