You know, in my life I have loved 3 people.
1. My exhusband.
2. A guy from school, that I never had the nerve to tell until after my divorce when we finally both told each other how we felt.
3. R.
Giving love to another is something that I can do without much hesitation.
Loving deeply takes a bit more.
Knowing I'm worthy to receive someone else's love is a different story.
If I could sit with you, outside of that cafe at the bottom of the Eiffle Tower of course, as we sip our steaming cups, I would tell you that I'm scared.
Scared to death.
I don't know how this all is going to work out.
R. came over this weekend. It was a great time, lots of laughs, lots of simple times with the kids. Lots of swimming, low stress, just good time.
Then...
I went to make the bed and kicked a bottle under the bed. Vodka.
What?!?
I have never dealt with someone with an addiction. (I thought that Tim had a problem, but never did he try to hide the drinking).
So reality is this...
Do I love him? Yes.
Do I love my children? CRAZY Question! Above anything and everything else in life YES!
Even above this man? YES!
I don't have time for a 4th child to raise, I don't have time to try and fix something in someone else. He has to step up and fix this. If not...no not if not, U N T I L it is fixed, I can't do this.
Here is an opportunity for him to set his life right, will he take it? I don't know.
Am I worth it? Yes!
There I said it! Yes! I'm worth it and a whole lot more!
I know as we chatted in the shadow of that tower that you would hold my hand and tell me everything would be fine. I just know it!
I know we would have breaks in our conversation where the tears would flow and just as quickly the laughter would begin.
Then we would end our conversation and hug a deep hug and say our goodbyes as we strolled off our separate ways and I would feel like a million dollars because of the unconditional love you gave to me during our visit.
This is a hard time for me, but I will be ok.
I'm still scared, assured that I will be ok- yep God tells me so!
HE promises me that I will be fine.
HE told me that I'm worth it, so much so that HE died for me.
If my father said that I was worth that much shouldn't I be worth more than a bottle of Vodka?
You betcha!
Thanks for listening!
Val
