Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I'm worth it!

You know, in my life I have loved 3 people.
1. My exhusband.

2. A guy from school, that I never had the nerve to tell until after my divorce when we finally both told each other how we felt.

3. R.

Giving love to another is something that I can do without much hesitation.

Loving deeply takes a bit more.

Knowing I'm worthy to receive someone else's love is a different story.

If I could sit with you, outside of that cafe at the bottom of the Eiffle Tower of course, as we sip our steaming cups, I would tell you that I'm scared.

Scared to death.

I don't know how this all is going to work out.

R. came over this weekend. It was a great time, lots of laughs, lots of simple times with the kids. Lots of swimming, low stress, just good time.


I went to make the bed and kicked a bottle under the bed. Vodka.


I have never dealt with someone with an addiction. (I thought that Tim had a problem, but never did he try to hide the drinking).

So reality is this...

Do I love him? Yes.

Do I love my children? CRAZY Question! Above anything and everything else in life YES!

Even above this man? YES!

I don't have time for a 4th child to raise, I don't have time to try and fix something in someone else. He has to step up and fix this. If not if not, U N T I L it is fixed, I can't do this.

Here is an opportunity for him to set his life right, will he take it? I don't know.

Am I worth it? Yes!

There I said it! Yes! I'm worth it and a whole lot more!

I know as we chatted in the shadow of that tower that you would hold my hand and tell me everything would be fine. I just know it!

I know we would have breaks in our conversation where the tears would flow and just as quickly the laughter would begin.

Then we would end our conversation and hug a deep hug and say our goodbyes as we strolled off our separate ways and I would feel like a million dollars because of the unconditional love you gave to me during our visit.

This is a hard time for me, but I will be ok.

I'm still scared, assured that I will be ok- yep God tells me so!

HE promises me that I will be fine.

HE told me that I'm worth it, so much so that HE died for me.

If my father said that I was worth that much shouldn't I be worth more than a bottle of Vodka?

You betcha!

Thanks for listening!