Saturday, June 16, 2012

It's the end of my day, or so I hope because I'm so tired.

Today someone else became Mrs. Tim Hodges.

My heart was heavy, not because I wanted to be that person but just because.

As I type these words I am here with my children, his children too, on his weekend, on Father's Day weekend. None of those things mattered to him, not today not in the past.

This should not come as a surprise to me, but I think that I will always have this smidge of hope that things will change and he will see the kids as a priority.

Overall today was a good day, full of blessings, but still exhausting.

I find myself overwhelmed a lot, especially when I wonder how I will do this with a newborn in a matter of 4 months.

I find myself also in the midst of a pity party often and have to pull myself out.

For the last few years I've been on an anti-depressant and I have stopped taking it for fear of how it will affect the baby. I know that the dr. has ok'd this med for me during this time but I still fear the effects of the drug.

I cannot wait to be able to take that med again and hope that I will find a stable mindset. I know that some of my issues are related to the depression that attacks members of my family but some of it is also the hormones.

I know that those quirky little sayings such as "you can be bitter or you can be better" are just so catchy, but honestly it makes me wanna punch that person who smiles that smile as they say that.

Bitter, yeah I'm bitter. Ask any single mom who has a massive headache and their children both needing/wanting something, and no help, while the children's daddy says "this weekend isn't a good time for me to have the kids". Bitter is probably a good word for what I feel like I am.

Once again tonight is one of those "how did I get here" moments. I know and I feel the power of God's Grace in my life! It's ever present. But Satan, and these horrible hormones remind me that tonight there is someone else in this world that is wearing my last name and I have never wanted so desperately to have my maiden name back.

Please Lord, as I attempt to get through this night I pray for myself and my children, that I would recognize the feelings and yet honor the blessings that YOU have bestowed upon me and these beautiful children.

Hold us tight, be our protector, our provider, our everything. May we not fear anything but rely completely on YOU.

May we enter Father's Day thankful for the blessings of the men who have guided us daily and given us examples of loving daddies, even though they may not be our daddy. I am thankful for my own father, I don't know what I would do with out him. He is so special to me. But mostly Lord, I thank YOU for being my daddy and teaching me things that were beyond my earthly father to teach me. For providing a way for me and my children, for getting us through these times. For making my steps for me when I couldn't imagine making one more on my own. For not judging me and accepting me as I am, a sinner redeemed in loved by her Dad.