Good morning it's Christmas Eve!
The house is so quiet and the sun is pouring through my little window making it a beautiful golden color. I crave coffee but am afraid of losing the silence to it. So I wait.
This year I asked for a list of wants. I bought off that list. I have also decided memories were more important than material things so I we will be taking small trips and experiencing life.
My kids and I are so blessed. We have struggles that feel like mountains, and probably look like mole hills, but we face them dry our tears and go on by the grace of God.
Yesterday we celebrated the Stacey Christmas at my sisters house. I dreaded it so badly that I was sick the entire day before and had demon nightmares the night before. I associate her with some of the people who have hurt me he worst in my life and in each of those situations she sought out their friendship. It's a deep hurt. It's one that I have left to God and tried to close the door on. But this one day I have to put my heart and hurt aside and go.
When I came home, it was just as I expected, Sophie's biological grandparents who my sister is so close with had ironically in the couple hours we were gone left gifts for Sophie. While many would see this as no big deal, it is a molehill-ish mountain to me. I know in my heart that they had to have known when we would not be here and come then.
I do not believe in the gifting once a year from people like them. I believe they are welcome in her life as a permanent fixture but not as a swinging door and they don't see it that way. My heart hurt and still burns.
It was a short time later when my cousin Michael came over, his talk with me was God sent. I cried, he cried. God knew I needed a physical being and He sent me Michael. Now Michael didn't sit and say all kinds of warm fuzzies but he showered me with a reminder of Gods promises. God works in mysterious ways and I am always in awe of His ways.
Many see this as HIS holiday, however I see everyday as HIS day! We are blessed my friends we are blessed.
Much love me.