Sunday morning

It's a Sunday morning in my world. Joel Osteen is on my tv as I type this post.

I told my children on Friday evening about the newest addition to our family that will be arriving in the next 6 months. Their reaction was full of God's Grace. I cried.

I decided to call him and let him know that my children know and they are so excited so come Church time be prepared they will talk! Basically I was saying, without saying, you better get your parents told or my children will.

One of the questions my daughter asked was "is Richie excited?", when I told him she asked his reply was "I would be if things were different for me". This sent me straight to the edge! I told him "that isn't going to stop the fact that a baby will be here in 6 months." I then broke into tears & told him goodbye.

He tried to call again and I didn't answer.

The next day we did talk. I told him a lot of the things I had been holding inside of me, he apologized, confessed his 'love' and told me when the baby comes he is sure he will love it.

Awww. Isn't that encouraging? WHATEVER!

There isn't enough emotion left for me to explain the feelings. My baby inside of me doesn't deserve to wait 6 months to see and hope that its daddy is going to love them because maybe just maybe things will be good enough in his life to love them.

I shared a good day with both of my kids, it was a very cold day that we ended up spending the afternoon at the ballpark with their practices. God is good, no God is GREAT! I'm blessed beyond words. That doesn't mean I don't hurt and that I don't fall victim to this worlds demands.

Have a blessed Sunday, we will!
Val

I was a girl who was confident, proud, and felt and believed I was blessed by God above. 
Even though the last few years had been really really hard on me, I knew that my survival was only because of God alone. I know HE is the only reason I made it through all those hard nights and days when anger consumed me and sadness made me wonder if I would or could survive.
Then I began to pray “God send me a good man, a man who is in Church.” Guessing I should have maybe been a little more observant to the fact that I needed a little more than just that.
I noticed a guy, in my church of 10-15, that was oboviously single and was very quiet and very reserved. As with each fall my sister and I go to see a college football game in a neighboring town and we invited him. We had a really good time and it wasn’t long after that that we began talking on the phone and then one night he came over. It was kind of odd when he asked me if I could pick him up, but I thought OOOOKKKK. So I did and he explained that he had a dui that he was taking care of and that he had moved here to get a job but wasn’t having any luck. I thought OOOOOKKKKK. No biggie, Tim was once in that same situation and its fixable. That being the operative word that my sister and I both used because he was so nice.
So that night he kissed me, the first kiss in almost 2 years and the first in over 20 years to a man I wasn’t married too. It wasn’t long until we began seeing a lot more of each other and he came over several times and the kids and I had such a great time with him. He was amazing with my kids. He seemed to really care and they needed to see that and honestly so did I.
The holidays came and went and we got serious and close. His sweetness was so charming and was so addictive I remember asking “how is it that you are single?”.
I didn’t ask many questions, I didn’t want to pry. I knew that he had a child with a previous girlfriend to who he didn’t marry. I knew he didn’t have a good visitation schedule set up and rarely seen the child nor talk much with them. But I didn’t pry.
Then comes January and something isn’t quite right with me. I noticed that I wasn’t feeling normal, but just chocked it up to emotions with PMS. He had started staying with me for a few days at a time and during one span he was there nearly 2 weeks during January. Things were going good though, we spent our weekends going to basketball games at the high school and our weeknights enjoying each other’s laughter. 
Throughout this month I discovered 2 things, one I believe that I was pregnant and 2 that he was drinking a lot.
It didn’t take long to confirm both and that was the beginning of the end. The beginning of a lot of questions that didn’t add up and the beginning of learning just who I had gotten involved in. 
With the confirmation of the pregnancy, I began to feel really deceived. I mean how could this happen to me? This man, God and even myself all worked in this deception. 
This couldn’t possibly be my life. But the fact is as I type these words today I’m 3 months pregnant and this is my life. 
I could easily fill the rest of this area with the words that were said between he and I and I could easily tell you how hurt I was. But no. I choose to tell you that through this entire 3 months of my pregnancy and through these last few months with him that God is using this time as a test for me. This is the beginning of a time of testimony of how HE sustained me when I didn’t want to blink another blink or breathe another breath. This is my testimony about how God forgave me, a sinner, and how I had to take that forgiveness and accept HIS Grace and forgive myself. That last part…it’s the hardest part. 
So please bear with me as I struggle to find my way as a single mom of 2 and ½ children. Prayers are welcome and encouraging words are cherished and this is my (our) story…

The reality of life, my short take.

Sometimes the reality of life is that it is not as the movies show.

Things happen, love hurts, tears fall, and healing will eventually happen.

My departure from God has led me to a path that I didn't think I would be on, but yet here I am.

Things happen, and lives are lived and yet the world still turns.

Praying much love for all you in blogland who have stumbled upon this minute little blog.

Just one question, does true love really truly exist?

As soon as I felt safe and secure in my new relationship all craziness broke loose and we took a break. Of course it was only about a 24 hour break, but long enough to realize that we both have some work that needs to be done and that it's worth working on.

Life is funny sometimes.

When you think you know what you want, you seem to be constantly presented with challenges that lead you wondering if you are truly satisfied.

I was reading online yesterday at (in)courage and it was talking about relationships and the thing that we most want to know is that we are worth it, that we matter to someone. If you followed my journey here you know that is exactly what I needed all along my path to divorce. Did I matter to him?

What I realized as that I didn't matter to him but I did matter to HIM!

Gods opinion of me is what matters. That is all that matters. So as things start to heal in my relationship new boundaries are going to be set, (some I'm not sure will matter), but my life and my relationship with God and my children WILL come first period. I have to get back to my life and going through these last day or so was enough to make me realize that I need my life back and mostly that I need my SAVIOR back.

I've missed you sweet Father. I know I've wandered away from YOU and that YOU continually stayed behind me, just as the shepherd always does. I mattered to YOU, just as each sheep matters. Thank You for loving me, for protecting me, for holding me and carrying me back. I cannot fathom why YOU chose me, but am so glad that you did.

much love and many prayers

Val

Finding OUR Way

Well here I am. I need to elaborate on my relationship status. While I think that there is so much to be thankful about regarding my relationship there are some issues still to be resolved too. I trust that God will see us through and that HE will help me as I struggle through this time.

Lord I want to be more of a servant and may my mouth be dry from saying the words "yes" to Your request.

I'm finding that one of the main issues with relationships that involve separate families is the ideas of how to parent. This is a challenge that we are often facing under my roof. My guy is having a hard time trying to be parent-like in situations when e kids are not seeing him as a parental figure. And they are both right he isn't their parent but as an adult they need to respect authority and they need to continue to respect house rules. On the other hand my guy needs to be more patient with the kids.

This entire relationship is a time of adjustment. The fact that he has been staying with us for a month is a huge adjustment. There are times I want my quiet house back. But there are a lot of times I like to feel his embrace and know I'm loved. I find myself having to explain things and that is too much. So I'm taking a new approach- the I love you but this is how I am living my life take it or leave it style. There are moments where compromising will come into play and there will be times where it will not. I am who I am. I am a child of God, fearfully seeking to love, be loved, and still remain in Gods Will. Is it possible? Not sure. Hoping God will allow me to be a vessel of hope and help.

Much love and many prayers!

Val

Good Morning Lord. I know it's been a while and I know that I'm the one who has neglected YOU. I'm so remorseful that I sometimes do that, I just know that I've not been in YOUR will and sometimes the guilt I feel is overwhelming.

I'm here now Lord.

Ready to begin again.

I just want to be loved again...by YOU. I know what YOUR Word says about YOU always loving me. That is so relieving.

I know that thee are things that happen in our lives that are meant to be, and as for the last few months I know that they have been directed. By YOUR hand. That nothing happens that isn't in YOUR will and I know that even when I don't understand that eventually I will. Eventually, if not in this life in the next.

I look around my life and am completely amazed at my blessings, and yet I still feel fear. Why is that? Why is there fear in my life when I know that YOU are in control. So confusing.

But until I understand...I just want YOU to know ... I still believe.

Still believe...

in the amazing love of my Savior.

In the possibility of loving again.

In the hope of a better life with love.

In the knowledge that the is still so much for me to do and be.

Thank You Lord, for loving me unconditionally.

Me.

"I"

Good Morning Friend,

It's waaaayyy early here, like 4 AM. I knew I had to get up early so I could get some me time in today.

You see, I *think* I have a blind date this weekend.

He called me last week and asked me out for Saturday night,

but I haven't talked to him yet this week.

I have a lot of trust issues, and trusting that he will call is something I'm dealing with.

Also realizing that every person is not Tim is something else I'm dealing with.

I'm nervous, extremely, but excited.

I'm ready for some adult conversation.

I have noticed lately that I miss that a lot.

I miss the fact that I have no one to talk to about my day.

I just come home and start my housework (I nearly said my mommy job, but I have that one 24-7) and I have no one but children around me.

Somedays I feel like between work and raising the kids, I lose me.

Does that make sense? It is even hard to write those words.

When I first got divorced I knew making the decisions about what "I" wanted was hard because I was having to find out who "I" was, but even now "I" am still lost.

I could list the things that "I" like, but its not the same.

Does this make sense at all?

Well, as I get off here to begin some work that I brought home to do, I leave you with many blessings for today!

Me.