Figuring it all out...

I am bitter.

I have had this idea for the last few years that I was done wrong, that I was let down, that my life shouldn't have been this hard to live, that I shouldn't have to have made the choices that I have made for myself or my kids, and honestly as sad as it is to say my list could go on.

But last night I had a thought, after I had a breakdown, what if this is how my life was suppose to be.

Obviously it must be what God intended or I wouldn't be here trying to figure everything out.

I was reading today a devotional that spoke about how some Christians feel like God is the all powerful Genie and should solve all their problems. My first thought is "crazies", but then I realize that's me.

I am frustrated with the fact of being a single momma of 2.5 kids and trying to survive, but then I realize now that I need to accept God's provisions, both the good and the bad, and come to see that God has me in this situation to grow me, to prepare my (HIS) children for their own lives, and to further HIS Kingdom.

The things that I have been through and the problems I have faced and will continue to face are not being done to me but being done to further HIS Kingdom. HE has the plan, I do not and as overwhelmed as I get I know that I am blessed.

Knowing all this and slowly figuring it out doesn't change the fact that I will more often than not feel overwhelmed, scared, unloved and unlovable, alone, and vulnerable; but somehow someway God will make a provision for me.

Have a blessed Tuesday!

Monday Morning Clarity

I facebook, but I normally don't post anything. I think that sounds kind of odd since I blog, but nearly no one knows I do this and so it's okay.

If I was to place a post today it would stay:
Sometimes the thing you think is worth fighting for the most and the hardest, you soon discover is not worth fighting for at all.

It's reference would be this off again, off again relationship with Richie.

It's not at all what I need in my life and I believe it's time to close the door. I some what find it very odd to be doing this at this stage in my pregnancy; but I have to believe that if I already know that I was planning on shutting the door in October that I'm worth shutting it now and getting on with it.

He came over yesterday and decided he wanted to stay, I said "whatever". Knowing in my heart that isn't what I truly wanted. I didn't want that for many reasons: I don't sleep well, and he is awful if he is woke up in the middle of the night. I also didn't want to have to deal with the guilt that would follow the next morning. (Amazingly enough there is more relief this morning than guilt). Plus, there are little things he says that don't sit well with me and I know that I reached my breaking point with those comments a while back and that I wouldn't be taking any- and I didn't.

Anyway, he stayed, nothing happened other than the clarity that I needed to know I will not be tied to this situation any longer.

I also need to back up just a bit and tell you that I'm so nearly certain of this that the night before while talking to my mom on the phone she asked if Richie would be coming and staying with me when the time got closer and I just told her how I felt. I explained that "no he wouldn't because I didn't want him to get the impression he was moving in here because that wasn't happening." I told her that I believe that "if I wasn't good enough to marry someday then I'm not good enough to live with today". I think she was shocked with my honesty and agreed with me. I did tell her that I would call him when I went to the hospital, but that would be it.

I have such a frustrating sense about this situation, why doesn't he have anything more 1 year later than he did 1 year ago? Am I just an escape from his parents house? I'm worth more than being someone's Holiday Inn.

So Lord, I still believe that YOU are working in my life and this morning is proof of exactly that. Don't give up on me yet Lord! I'm still here, a little tarnished, but full of the desire of being what you want me to be to these 3 kids.

The closing of this week...

This week has been filled with raw emotion, that kind that reaches down and makes you go “ugh”.

Lesson reminded…if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then irregardless if it’s wearing a chicken costume its still a duck. No matter if its family, friend, or foe, a duck is a duck. And an ill-meaning person will not benefit you in any way.

I love my family, but just because a person is called family doesn’t mean that they are capable of loving you in return. Whether or not they have the “family” description in your address book doesn’t mean that they will not hurt you. And for some reason the hurt they cause cuts deeper.

I don’t know why we tend to think that our family won’t hurt us. But they just do, it’s always deeper and more painful. I want to believe that they know us better than anyone else and want us not to feel pain, but that isn’t the case, in some situations they take advantage of being able to cause that hurt and run with it.

This week someone did that to me. The hurt and the accusations that were hurled at me were too much, and I broke. And when I broke I went into immediate self protection mode, pulling my children close and blocking out the world until I felt safe again.

Once I felt a twing of safety I went into the next stage which was self-explanation or being on a defensive front. Why do I think that I need to defend myself against this person I will never know. Their opinion of me doesn’t matter in the least, it will not make or break my today or my tomorrow. But it is an automatic response that luckily I didn’t go into.

I know that God is saying to me, love your family, love your friends, but know “I” am the only one whose love is permanent.

I’m scared.

In my life there are those people who have been permanent and loved me unconditionally and there are those who have loved me conditionally. God has never loved me conditionally, HE has always loved me unconditionally. HE is my … everything. HE has provided for me financially, for me physically, for me a way when there was no way for me to make it, it is all because of HIM that I am here today, in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house sitting in a comfy bed typing this message while listening to an ipod, and typing on a laptop, eating chex mix, all the while a small little baby kicking and moving inside of me. HE has given me this opportunity. HE has given me this baby to love and to adore, to make me feel overwhelmed and scared and confused all for the purpose of knowing that HE is my only provider. HE and HE alone. Richie (or really even Prince Harry) could walk through that door and vow to take care of me forever, but there is always the possibility that they will walk away and leave me, but not God- HE promises!

July 25

I’m here, at work once again. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and should be tending to my mile high, slowly dwindling filing pile, but my heart is once again heavy and I need release. (Also, its 100 degrees outside and our A/C unit in my part of the office is down).

Since I’ve been working on my slowing dwindling pile of filing, I’ve been listening to one of the local church services that I receive a copy of each week. I was a bit behind on listening so some were a couple months old.

In the one I listened to today there was a statement that spoke to me. My original blog was “Here I am Lord Send Me” and today’s little sermon he spoke about how we as Christians can stand up and say “here I am Lord” and be expecting and be blessed or we can say “don’t bother me, I don’t have time for this or that”.

It was the last part that struck me hard! In fact I had to listen to it twice.

I was screaming back a few months ago “I don’t have time for this” and “the timing is really bad”. When in all actuality I should have been screaming “Lord, thank YOU for this blessing of life!”

How ungrateful I was (and on some really hard days still am).

Last night I battled the mommy battle, and felt myself going down. I am sure we have all battled that battle…right? (if not please just nod).

The one where the dishes are nearly falling out of the sink, the washer is making an odd noise and there are 3 loads left to wash, and 4 to fold and put away. Never mind the house looking like a combo of scattered papers, matchbox cars, and one lonely looking baby doll. Where when you begin to try to accomplish one thing another mess is made and you want to fall to your knees and just give in, but someone sends you a text and says “might stop by in a bit” and all you can do is think “do I look like I’m crying and what is that smell?”

Ever have one of those days?

I know that I often, as all mama’s do, feel like a failure. But at the end of the day the kids still want to climb into bed with me and snuggle and I feel like I have survived (by the skin on my teeth) another day.

When I’m having these moments I know that I’m not the “bright smiling, giving out compliments and blessings and shouting prayers for all my friends and family who desperately need it” person I should be. I’m the ungrateful, blubbering mess of a mama who is saying “how am I going to do this with a newborn” person?

So Lord, this part of my journey has been a challenge to say the least and even though I have these rough days, I am blessed with this life inside of me, I am blessed tremendously. With each kick, with each nudge, with each turn of her little body I am blessed. How could I have known how desperately I would need this little baby girl still growing inside of me?

Whatever her purpose is for YOUR Kingdom I am blessed!

Thank you again Sweet Father for choosing me to take this journey!

Me.

I'm worth it!

You know, in my life I have loved 3 people.
1. My exhusband.

2. A guy from school, that I never had the nerve to tell until after my divorce when we finally both told each other how we felt.

3. R.

Giving love to another is something that I can do without much hesitation.

Loving deeply takes a bit more.

Knowing I'm worthy to receive someone else's love is a different story.

If I could sit with you, outside of that cafe at the bottom of the Eiffle Tower of course, as we sip our steaming cups, I would tell you that I'm scared.

Scared to death.

I don't know how this all is going to work out.

R. came over this weekend. It was a great time, lots of laughs, lots of simple times with the kids. Lots of swimming, low stress, just good time.

Then...

I went to make the bed and kicked a bottle under the bed. Vodka.

What?!?

I have never dealt with someone with an addiction. (I thought that Tim had a problem, but never did he try to hide the drinking).

So reality is this...

Do I love him? Yes.

Do I love my children? CRAZY Question! Above anything and everything else in life YES!

Even above this man? YES!

I don't have time for a 4th child to raise, I don't have time to try and fix something in someone else. He has to step up and fix this. If not...no not if not, U N T I L it is fixed, I can't do this.

Here is an opportunity for him to set his life right, will he take it? I don't know.

Am I worth it? Yes!

There I said it! Yes! I'm worth it and a whole lot more!

I know as we chatted in the shadow of that tower that you would hold my hand and tell me everything would be fine. I just know it!

I know we would have breaks in our conversation where the tears would flow and just as quickly the laughter would begin.

Then we would end our conversation and hug a deep hug and say our goodbyes as we strolled off our separate ways and I would feel like a million dollars because of the unconditional love you gave to me during our visit.

This is a hard time for me, but I will be ok.

I'm still scared, assured that I will be ok- yep God tells me so!

HE promises me that I will be fine.

HE told me that I'm worth it, so much so that HE died for me.

If my father said that I was worth that much shouldn't I be worth more than a bottle of Vodka?

You betcha!

Thanks for listening!

Val

Perfect

I live in a state of confusion.

Confused about my love life, my parenting skills, my changes in my life and the fact that I am completely at God's will for me.

Knowing that I'm all these kids have as far as stability is humbling, scary, and the hardest thing ever.

Knowing that God is all I have anymore makes me scared too.

My children and I attended a wedding yesterday and it was breath taking. The looks shared between the couple and the smiles of the family was so perfect.

It made me feel like where is my "perfect".

I wondered about the couples that were there and the conversations they had before they left their houses. I wonder if one told the other how nice they looked and if they watched the couple remembering their own special day.

I wondered if they looked at the pregnant single girl with 2 kids in tow and thought...hum bet she is a loosey goosey (nice words). Not knowing that isn't the truth at all.

We didn't stay long.

I use to think that peoples opinions didn't matter to me, but reality is it does.

Being pregnant with a growing belly isn't something I can hide any longer. I am not ashamed anymore. I would never want my baby to look back and think "momma didn't want me" when the truth is this momma didn't know she needed you so badly.

God is amazingly at work in my life. I don't know what my ending destination on this journey will be but somehow someway it will all work out.

And hopefully my son will not tell anyone else that "momma has sad days" because this momma needs some happy days ahead.

This entry to this blog isn't descriptive to what is truly on my heart and mind, but it's what has come from my fingertips. So until I can put on screen what is on my heart this will have to do.

Night.
Me.                                    

Surviving Again.

You know, sometimes we pray a prayer because we know it would be best for us in time, then when that time happens and our prayer is answered we are heartbroken.

Tonight that happened.

I've felt in my heart for the last few weeks that this relationship isn't what I need in my life.

I've prayed that if it is not meant to be that God would remove it from my life.

Tonight that happened.

Our relationship, if you call it that, had dwindled down to a phone call a day of 4-5 minutes. Ever since we began seeing each other, if you call it that, we've never had a "date". Never went to dinner, never.  Never went anywhere that people would have said "aww they must be a couple". Didn't happen.

Am I worth a dinner and a movie every once in a while? Yes.

Tonight we had Ian's end of the T-Ball season get-together, he said "call when you are done." Thought no, I sent him a text that said "Home. Not calling, needing more that a 4-5 min. conversation. Needing more in my life."

The conversation that took place when he did call wasn't good, then he tried to call me back and I wouldn't answer, the message was even worse. It was verification that God said "let go, I got this."

I hope that God didn't mistake my tears for disbelief of His ability to handle this, they were just because.

I believe in true love and I believe somehow someway I will make it through this time. But bet your bottom dollar, it won't be because of me it will only be because of God himself.

Me.