Monday, April 7, 2014

I'm still here Lord, still believing

I came to work today and faced a mountain.

A mountain of paperwork and envelopes that each contained more work, 13 voice mails, and over 100 emails needless to say I don't need to be writing I need to be working.

But my mind has wandered and my heart is stuck.

See I seen his name again today. I don't know how it keeps popping up I thought I had deleted all the emails, and removed all the contact information. But seeing it made me click & open that email. It said "I will always love you" and thats when my heart stopped.

I can delete the emails, and all the information and remove it from my sight, but I can't remove it from my heart.

A million questions and they are all unanswered.

I remember telling him often about not giving up, about focusing, about staying the course and having so much to fight for. But somewhere things went way off course and turned badly.

I don't know the extent of the truth and the untruth (lie is such an ugly word).

I just remind myself that Romans 8:28 tells me that "all things God works for the good of those who love HIM, who have been called according to HIS purpose." Me being in this situation was God's purpose or I wouldn't have been here. In fact if you had shown me the magic 8 ball ahead of time I'd said, 'thanks but no thanks'.

So someway, somehow this will all work out & God will be glorified.

I think about the others that were there DrJ, I miss his words of encouragement. I laugh when I say that that to myself because at times they were hard to hear. His chastisement was always in a loving way & as bad as it was to hear, you knew there was a lesson to be learned & best not miss the chance to take a hold of it. I knew from the first time I heard his name that he was heaven sent, but I could never have guessed the impact he would have on my life.

I feel like this post has sent me backwards, but this remembering is part of the healing. Somedays I think I'm going to be okay, and other days I am not sure what 'okay' really is.

Lord, I'm a mess of clay, and YOU are the potter. Mold me, make me, this is what I pray.

I'm no good for anyone else if YOU aren't a part of me. I may have lost my way for a little while, but I'm working to learn from things and to heal to be a better me. Help me Lord.

Much love,