Friday, April 11, 2014

Just don't know how to live...

My neighbor lady lost her husband a couple years ago. It has been a very difficult loss for her to cope with. But God gave her me and HE gave me to her. We share a similar walk. One that is filled with a lot of first and how do we, and loneliness. but neither of us had the choice of the path our lives took so we deal and survive (if that is what you call it).

The storm we had a week ago was terrible, and she said "I know you were worried about me", I said "yes I was". She said, "I'm not worried about dying, I'm ready. I'm ready to see Jim, my mom, my dad & my sister. I'm ready".

I told her, me too. Not that I want to die anytime soon, but if God reached out HIS hand and said "Val", I'd take it in a heartbeat.

See a broken heart will do that to you.

She quickly spoke up and said, "your kids need you", when I explained what I meant to her, she understood and was relieved. She knows some of my heartbreak, but just the surface stuff.

God has a purpose for everything, and I don't doubt 1 minute HE isn't concerned whether I'm happy or not. I'm HIS daughter, I know HE is. But HE also knows the deep crevices of my heart and the pain that is in there. HE knows the questions, the doubts, the longing of my heart. HE knows it all. I share it with HIM. HE knows the good, the bad, the terrible decisions I've made, the empty words I've spoken, and the words that I spoke with EVERY single part of my body. HE knows me like none other.

I survived my divorce by praying, "God keep me non-emotional". I truly believed that was how I made it through. That and the fact that I went into lock down mode and pushed people away until I could breathe again and stand up.

I've become that person again. I'm in survival mode. I know this isn't living, but a person has to survive and I will find life after I heal a bit. For now, I survive.

I often wonder about Joseph, and if he had to go into survival mode to get through it? he didn't once say he wanted to give up, that he wanted to throw in the towel and I don't believe I ever read about him throwing a tantrum. He took his lot in life and lived it. That's not survival mode, that is a kind of thanksgiving.

Maybe I'm making a terrible mistake by living like this, I don't know. All I know is I have this crazy job, and 3 kids that depend on me for everything. I don't get a day off to have myself one hell of a pity party. So I dig in and survive.

Lord, I am thankful for it all! For the hurt and the pain, I know that at those points in my life that I moved beyond surviving and was living. I'm thankful for the ways I grew in YOU. I'm thankful for the ability to survive today. I'm thankful for YOUR Grace. And Lord, as YOUR daughter, I say this humbly…I hurt DAD. I don't want to be brave anymore, I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm tired. Help me hold on and help me find hope. YOU love me like nothing else so I know that I will be okay and YOU will help me get through this day. Thanks DAD.

Much Love,