Wednesday, April 9, 2014

today's prayer

Today the weight of my cold has hit, plus I've not been sleeping well these last 2 nights so basically I'm a mess.

I need to focus on YOU Sweet Lord. Just YOU.

Lord, lift me up. I'm down. Tears are close to the surface. Change the hurt they represent. Lord, lift me up emotionally and let me fly again with the eagles. Their view is amazing and I need my view back.

Lord, sustain me when I find myself stumbling to breathe, to walk, to function, to doubt myself as a mom, sustain my self esteem. Let me remember I was chosen…by YOU. YOU said, "her the one with the hurts and scars from the future she hasn't lived yet, I want her". YOU said, "I will be her defender, her vindicator, I will stand in place of her sins, I will keep her tears in a bottle for her. I will love her, she is MY daughter". YOU took me before I was known in this ugly world. YOU love me unconditionally. YOU want me, good days, bad days, on days when I don't recognize myself, YOU say, "it's her I love". When I stomp my feet and question YOU, YOU still say "let it out, I still love you, no matter what".

Lord, when I find myself thinking I'm without a purpose and a mess of an ambassador for YOUR Magnificent Kingdom, gently (if possible) lead me back to YOU being my focus.

Lord, I'm a momma. Help me Lord. I didn't have the best example growing up, so let me be a good momma to my kids and the kids around me. Lord, my home isn't mine. I know that. It's YOURS. Use it for YOUR greatness Lord. But Lord, could I ask that there be love in between the walls?

There is a part in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun when the main character talks about her home and how she had a vision of a wedding there, feeding lots of people, and a family growing strong within its walls. As the movie progresses and ends there is a wedding there, not hers but someone she loves very much, she feeds lots of people there often, and the family growing strong within its walls is her best friend and her newborn baby that moved in. Everything she wished for happened, but not the way she thought they would. But in a better way. She fell in love and all was happy in the end.

Lord, this life isn't like I thought it would be. I didn't think I'd be divorced at 41 yo and raising 3 kids under the age of 10 alone. I don't know where I am, I feel like I'm standing still and the world is swirling around me and I don't know how the move. I don't know what choices to make So Lord, I need you to make my steps for me, make my choices for me, take my hand, like I do Sophie's and lead me on watching out for me every step of the way.

I'm scared Lord. The unknown seems to suffocate me at times. Be my breath when that happens. I'm like Peter stepping out of the boat, I'm focusing on YOU because the waters I've fell into when I looked away are cold, and hurt. I'm reaching for YOUR hand, pull me up please.

Together, with YOU leading me I can get through this crappy day. I'm here, still believing.

much love, me.